I celebrated my 38th birthday a few months ago, and as I feel 40 quickly approaching, I think it’s only natural that I find myself examining my life. Where I’ve been…where I’m going…what I’ve done…what I haven’t done. A few years ago I would have thought that something like this was trite, or maudlin, but it seems natural to me now.
My 20-year high school reunion is this coming May. When I first began thinking about it, I really didn’t think I was going to go. When I was in high school, I had really big ideas about how I wanted my life to be, and honestly, I am nowhere near where I thought I would be back then. I had visions of myself as a famous writer or a missionary overseas, or at least something more glamorous than a French teacher in Deer Park, Texas. Honestly, I’m really not even that upset about the fact that I’m not married and don’t have any children, though if you would have told me when I was in high school that I would be 38 and still single, I would have either laughed at you or burst into tears. On this end of things, though, it really isn’t that bad. I’d like to get married, but I don’t feel like I have to. It’s a desire of my heart, but it isn’t the desire of my heart. What disturbs me more is the path my life has taken, or more specifically, has not taken, in other areas. It would be an understatement to say that this isn’t how I imagined my life would be in my late thirties.
As I was contemplating this fact a few months ago, at the same time as I began thinking about the reunion, I had a couple of thoughts that snapped me back into line, at least to some degree. First, I felt God point out to me that it isn’t His fault I’m not a published author. I haven’t written anything that he could possibly get published. I truly believe He is a God of miracles, but I’m certain He doesn’t operate that way. If I want to be published, I have to write, and actually finish something. So, I committed to finishing a book by the end of this school year. Now, I know that finishing a novel isn’t a guarantee that it will get published, but not finishing one is definitely a guarantee that it won’t happen. I’m happy to say that I’ve made pretty good progress over the last few months, and I’m pleased with the direction the book is heading. I also feel like the continued inspiration I keep receiving is confirmation that I’m on the right path at least, even if it never goes to print.
The second thing that served as a wake-up call was a reminder of something God had shown me way back when I was a sophomore in high school. At the time, I was wrestling with the idea of surrendering to a call to missions. I felt like that was the direction God had for my life, but I was terrified of what it would require me to give up. Like I said earlier, I had some really interesting ideas for what my life could be. I wanted to be a mother and a wife, of course, and an author, like I said. But there were also ideas of being a teacher and of singing on Broadway, and I can’t even remember what else. To my way of thinking, surrendering to a life of missions would mean that I had to forget about all of the other things I wanted and resign myself to a life of living as a single woman in a grass hut in the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa. At the age of sixteen, it just seemed like that was too much to ask of me. One night as I was struggling with these thoughts, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me, “OK, Nita, you can go ahead and have whatever life you want. Just pick the path that you think is best, and I’ll let you have it. I’ll even let you be happy with the life you’ve chosen and have a good life.” As I thought about that, I had an image come to my mind of myself in Heaven after my life was over, and of God pulling back a curtain to reveal a painting of the life I had lived. It was a nice painting and I had in fact been happy with the life I had chosen. Then, He pulled back the curtain on another painting, a painting of the life that He wanted me to have. In this painting, to my amazement, I had gotten to be and do all of the things that I had imagined for myself back then, plus a few more things that my sixteen-year-old brain couldn’t even comprehend. I would have robbed myself of so many wonderful things, simply because I couldn’t see past what I thought was best for me.
That was a very powerful reminder, but I think one of the reasons I had forgotten it is because my life right now doesn’t seem to be turning out like the second painting. What’s even worse is that I didn’t get to have the first painting either! That’s where I think the disappointment had begun to creep in. I wasn’t getting the life I had wanted, and the life I was getting wasn’t all that impressive. I found myself pouting like a spoiled child who hadn’t gotten her way, and accusing God of being unfair and withholding good things from me while doling those very same good things out to everyone else around me. Of course, another thing I had forgotten is that I can’t see into other people’s hearts. I really don’t know how happy they are. I also don’t know what effect those things have had on them, or more specifically on their walk with God. You see, I had also forgotten that more than anything else in my life, I want to have a vibrant, passionate, personal relationship with my Creator. I want God, not just the things He can give me. He is my treasure, not the rewards that are “supposed” to come from seeking after Him. If He tells me that I can’t have something, I know Him well enough that I have to believe that He has a really, really good reason for not letting me have it, and that He has something else, something better planned for me. When all I can see are the things that I want for my life or what I think will bring me happiness, I’m never going to be able to surrender anything to Him. Just like a small child at the doctor or an animal at the vet, how on earth can I imagine that I could even begin to comprehend what’s really best for me? It may seem unpleasant to me at the time, but I have to trust that he knows what He’s doing.
Something else to consider, as I thought about that second painting and the fact that my life right now doesn’t really seem to look very much like it at all, I felt God remind me, “You aren’t dead yet.” :o)
Looking back over the last 20 years, I don’t really see how things could have gone too differently, though, if I’m honest with myself. I feel like God has directed my path, and that events have led me to the place where I am now. Does that mean that I don’t think I’ve made any mistakes or that if I could go back I wouldn’t do some things differently? Of course it doesn’t mean that. I think there are always things that we humans would like to do differently if we could. Would I classify these things as regrets? Not really, because I believe that God has used everything to make me into the woman I am today, and I believe he will continue to grow me until I reach His goal for me…Christlikeness. There is a whole lot of Nita that needs to be cleared away before that goal can be reached, and I’m so thankful that He is faithful to the process, no matter how unpleasant it may seem at times.
I think the ultimate conclusion that I’ve reached through all of this reflecting is that any reasonable adult who has spent time around a child should be able to recognize that children shouldn’t be allowed to always have their own way. That makes for very unruly and disrespectful teenagers, which then leads to unpleasant and ridiculous adults. If we can see the truth of this in the physical world with the children we encounter, it only makes sense that the same truth would apply to us in the spiritual realm. God has adopted us into His family and we are His children. He is a loving Father who wants the best for us, His best for us. Would it make any sense for Him to make poor parenting decisions simply to alleviate our momentary discomfort and get us to stop whining? How ridiculous! The most un-loving thing He could do would be to give in to us and let us have what we think we want when He knows that what we want isn’t ultimately what’s best for us.
I also imagine that it hurts Him so much when we act like He can’t be trusted. I have never had any doubt in my entire life that my earthly father loved me and that he only wanted the best for me. It would have broken his heart if I had acted like he couldn’t be trusted to make good decisions for me. Why would I ever believe that my Heavenly Father, the God of the universe who set the worlds in motion and keeps it all spinning still, who orchestrates the events of all of human history to bring about His will, can’t be trusted with the details of my life? I pray that He will continue to be faithful to always remind me that I can trust Him, even when I don’t understand or I don’t like what’s happening
